Believe it or not, each time I am faced with the testing of my faith, I wonder if I can stand the test.
I am a person of faith and I truly believe in positive mental attitude and all that stuff, but in the face of some of the knock-outs I have had in life, sometimes I have weakened at my knees. I have found myself questioning if my decisions had been the right ones, if I could have done something better or at least different. I wondered how I could have been a better mother, wife, daughter or just a better person. I have wondered about all the things I had done in my life to bring me to this place of testing.
When I feel that I can’t take anymore or when I feel that I am failing the test of believing and trusting God; when I am drowning in my tears and feel that I can barely tread water, I hear a whisper that says, “My grace is sufficient for you, LaSharnda.” I cry anyway.
What does that mean anyway God? is the question I ask. I know that scripture and I try to ignore the whisper because I want to cry some more; I want to feel sorry for myself a little more; I want to hurt because I have somehow made a mess of my life and that’s why I am having the problems I am having is what I tell myself. Again, I hear the whisper of the scripture I try to ignore say to me “My grace is sufficient for you, LaSharnda.”
I cry “Lord, please help me! Please Jesus, help me. Please, please, please” and I am so desperate that I can’t hear the voice whisper anymore. I have allowed my desperation to drown out His voice. I have allowed my fear to overshadow His presence. I recognize that I need His help and that I am in total reliance on Him. I am not in control and that cause me to panic!
All of a sudden, I stop in the midst of my tears and recognize that maybe that is the point. Maybe I need to leave my desperation, my fear, my need to control all with Him. Maybe, just maybe, He is trying to whisper to me to depend on Him and not on myself. Maybe, just maybe, if I stop with the crying, the pleading, and the begging, and if I would turn my back on those things that somehow becomes so big and overwhelming, He will control both the situation I am facing and me. Maybe.
So I dry my face, get up and try to move forward. I can’t promise you that I won’t go through all of the same emotions again. Whether I do or don’t, He understands what I am going through and He will be there for me when I am ready and that’s the important part of trusting and believing.
“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9