#It’sYourLife

Overcoming Fake Friends…

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment
losing fake friends

Don’t Be Surprised When People you thought supported you never really did. This type of fake friendship became very clear to me recently. Although I probably secretly already knew deep down, they did not care for me but chose to ignore my gut. Anyway, I think we always know if someone likes us or not. We sense if they are indeed our friends or not. We know based on their actions or inactions. Yes, we know because our gut or intuition warns us.

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Yet, It always surprises me when people are shocked when their betrayer finally shows their true face. Honestly, I am never shocked anymore. When it happens, I go with it. Okay, so I may be caught off guard for a minute, but I was never shocked to find that some of the people I trusted didn’t care for me.

So, what do we do when we feel betrayed? Learn and not blame. Learn from the experience, but do not wallow in self-pity. And for God’s sake, don’t blame yourself for not seeing it sooner. Also, do not ask yourself, “Why?” or “What did you do?” If you did something, yes, apologize, but more likely than not, you did nothing.

Generally, we are raised to give people the “benefit of the doubt,” so when we see signs like them joking about us, making passive-aggressive comments towards us, etc., our gut warns us, but we tend to ignore it. Also, we don’t want to assume bad things about others.

We all do it, so you are with the majority. Second, although you will play your friendship over the years repeatedly in your mind, trying to look for signs you missed, let that play out also. For some reason, we must figure out where we went wrong in judging the fake friend. Finding out that someone you valued never valued you is hard. The sooner you accept that the sooner the healing process can begin. If you are a Believer, turn to scripture and prayer for comfort.

One scripture I found made me feel good to know that God will avenge me as long as I am confident that I have clean hands and heart. That doesn’t mean that I want the person to be held accountable. Not in the least. What I want is for me to move on beyond them as quickly as possible. But if someone goes beyond just hurting your feelings and disparage your name, remember Psalm 101:5-6, “ I will destroy the one who secretly slanders a friend. I will not allow the proud and arrogant to prevail. My eyes are looking at the faithful of the land so that they may live with me; The one who lives a life of integrity will serve me.”

See? You don’t have to do a thing except learn from the experience and not blame yourself. All else God will handle. Keep living, keep loving, and keep an open mind to future friendships. Also, maybe God is clearing the way for new and better friendships.

If Not Now, When?

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

So, I missed you last month. But, unfortunately, my life was so busy; I forgot to write. So here I am, ready to engage with you again.


Have you ever heard the phrase, “If not now, when? If not you, who?” I have always liked that saying because it epitomizes how I have lived my life. I have always believed that I could either sit around and blame someone else for my challenges, make excuses for why I could not do something, wait for someone to give me a chance or not give me one, or plot my path.


I was excited and enthusiastic about everything when I began my work career. I remember the first time I interviewed for the management training program with the Army & Air Force Exchange Service. That program offered college graduates an opportunity to join the company at the lowest managerial level and learn to be a manager. I recall the interview in Dallas and visiting the headquarters building. I was so enamored with the various professionals walking around, and back then, people wore suits to work!

if not now, when


Being from a family of churchgoers and not white-collar professionals, I always knew this was the kind of person I wanted to be. So, although I was not a student that anyone took an interest in, except one female basketball coach who also inspired me, I had to learn to believe in myself. I remember just being happy to be there with all the other potential hires. After the interviews, I got on the plane back to Florida, praying that I would be offered a job. Every day, I waited for the mail to see if I would receive a positive response from the company. Finally, one day, it came, and I was so happy to be seen, believed in, and accepted as a person for their program.


Today, some might think that my life’s journey has been easy, and I had only wonderful moments with no challenges at all. Truth be told, I was the first one in my family to attend college and graduate. When I said that to my family members, no one asked, “Why?” they just figured out a way for me to go. Their attitudes were, “Why not her?” and that was my attitude. No one had done it before me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it! So, if not me, who? After I attended and finished college, almost every one of my family members who came up after me attended college also. When I started working a white-collar job, nearly every family member younger than me did so, also. Why? It’s because they saw it to be possible.


Today is a new day. Don’t allow people with bad attitudes and old grudges to keep you from your dreams. Stop listening to the chatter of why you cannot do something. When others begin to project on you their limitations, don’t accept them. When they say that the system isn’t for you, I say, challenge the system, not in a hostile or aggressive way, but in a positive, polished, self-assured manner. Let your attitude be one of the possibilities, not of problems. Tell yourself and others, “If not now, when? If not me, who?” and let them try to convince you otherwise!

How To Think Optimistically

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know where you live, but I live in sunny California. Yet, the last couple of months has been the coldest I have ever experienced during my seven years here. Yes, I know it’s all relative and that the nation has had bad weather. Still, I cannot believe how the weather has behaved this year.

optimism

But now it is Springtime! I am thrilled to welcome spring. I love this time of year. Everything from spring breaks to spring showers excites me. I can already see beautiful yellow flowers in my outdoor flower beds. Seeing the blooms make me happy. But isn’t it interesting how we can let the weather affect moods and attitudes? I know people who feel deep depression when it rains or is gray and cold for too long, and I know those who immediately perk up when the sun is shining.

Regardless of what the weather looks like today or tomorrow, I try very hard to embrace life and live it to the fullest. One thing I know for sure is I get to determine how I will respond to each day. I can enter the day with hope, optimism, and anticipation, or I can enter it with a pessimistic, negative, hopeless attitude, always looking for the worst.

As Believers, I want our default attitude to be optimistic. I am not saying that we will not experience the human emotions of frustration, disappointment, or failure. Still, when we experience these emotions, I hope we recognize them for what they are—temporary, and they won’t always last. I hope you won’t allow negative emotions to get the best of you, and when you experience them, you will quickly recover and get back at it. I hope you will learn to rewire your mind to look for the best, to see the glass half full. Remember that even the most optimistic person can find themselves venturing down the negativity. But there is hope! And as usual, I believe that hope comes from God.

think on these things

The Bible tells us how we can maintain optimistic attitudes and have happy, hopeful, and positive minds, and Philippians 4:8 is our instruction guide. This scripture has always lifted my spirits, and I hope it will do the same for you. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

You see, we do not have to allow our minds to wander aimlessly, accepting anything that comes along. The Bible gives us all we need to help us rewire our thinking; we must recognize “stinking thinking” and decide that nothing or no one will negatively affect your attitude; at least not long-term. The Holy Spirit will help us if we let Him.

What Do We Do?

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

Every year, we hope the new year will bring something more wonderful than the year before. Some people, like me, make resolutions (I call them goals), while others feel doing so wastes time. Regardless, I am always hopeful about the future and what the new year will bring.

This year has gotten off to a rocky start for some. Although I feel my life is blessed beyond measure, I am devastated as the next person when something tragic happens to friends or family. Well, that is how this year started and continues today. As I write this blog, I cannot help but reflect on the news I received from a close family member of the scary “C” word. But, in the last week, close friends have lost loved ones, and others have experienced hearing the bad news of some kind regarding themselves or someone close to them.

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I recognize that sickness and death are a part of our life cycle. Nevertheless, when people go through these life-changing events, I am reminded of how precious life is and how grateful I am to be given another day. I also think about the pain and heartbreak those closest to the situation are going through. I would like to know what I can do to ease the pain. When they share their devastating news, what do I say? I understand. We don’t if we haven’t experienced it, and even if we have, we don’t understand their particular circumstances. Then, do we say, I will be praying for you? Of course, we will, but more than those praying statements may be needed.

What do we do when we don’t know what to do? I can’t outline a plan for anyone to follow in such situations. I can only share that I stop a prayer. I pray that God will give me the right words or lead me to be quiet and sit in silence, waiting on Him to lead the way. Sometimes the silence is deafening, and we want to fill the space. But we should not rush to fill the silence; we should let the Holy Spirit do His work in that time.

One of the most effective tools in our arsenal in difficult times can be disconnecting from all the voices and plugging into the one voice that is sometimes drowned out in the chaos. The voice we need to hear the most is the voice of God. I am not saying an audible voice, but the feeling in your soul, whispering softly, reminding you that you are not alone. Or through something you read that reminds you of how strong you are even in your most vulnerable state because He is with you. You may feel alone, but you are not alone. You may feel helpless to help someone you love going through something you wish you could change, but you are not weak; you have hope. That hope can be shared through your smile, support, or just sitting and listening to another person.

No matter where we find ourselves today, I know that where we are, we are supposed to be. God will use us during the good times and in the dark times. And that’s it—be, the vessel He uses regardless of what is happening around you.

Reflect Christ…

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

I understand why people write blogs. Sometimes it’s to help others; other times, it’s to share information or gather insights about our own experiences. When I sit down to write, I reflect on what I want to share and on things that I have experienced, good or bad.

reflectChrist

Over the last few years, I have faced my ups and downs. I have had to make some unpleasant decisions that affected other people’s lives, and I have repeatedly confronted my shortcomings. I don’t care how old one is; facing our shortcomings is hard. However, genuinely looking inward makes us so vulnerable. 

I have been in leadership from the very beginning of my work career. After graduating from college, I landed a job in a management training program with the federal government. As a result, I have loads of experience in leadership. Also, leadership is my area of study in both my doctoral programs. As a result, I tend to have very high expectations of people holding leadership roles. My expectations can be exhilarating for some and exhausting for others. Dare I say, demoralizing to others. 

Recently, called into question was my leadership. A person I felt I was holding accountable stated that because I asked him “why” in several instances, I made him feel “unsafe” and “demoralized.” I was baffled! More than that, I felt insulted. I thought about that interchange for days. I even prayed about it. Although I prayed, I could not shake his comments. His comments bothered me. 

I revisited the meeting in my mind and recalled his posture as I sat there and listened to him. In several instances, I felt he was passive-aggressive. I was sure he purposefully used trigger words to disarm me and come in for the kill. As he spoke, all I could think about was how he misrepresented certain situations we had discussed. I felt he was gaslighting me; for days, his words stuck with me as I tried to shake them off. I kept telling myself, Reflect Christ, reflect Christ, but my anxiety and frustration was getting the best of me.

I have always felt that as distance happens between an event and yourself, the less you feel the pain. After several days, I could stop and take a good look at myself. I asked, are you purposefully trying to demoralize anyone? Do you try to intimidate? My answer was an emphatic No. However, I did learn from that situation that I am still growing. I get hurt like anyone else when others misunderstand my words or actions. 

I believe God’s grace bridges our shortcomings. The Word of God says that “His mercies are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.” At some point, we will all face conflict. We will all be misunderstood. We can sit and stew in misunderstandings or look at them as opportunities for growth. I intend to do the latter. We can also hold a grudge, but as a Follower of Christ, I choose to try to reflect His image everyday.

Be Still & Wait…

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

Here we are again. Blessed to see another March, and hopefully, springtime will show up shortly. As I readied myself for my morning run, I checked the temperature outside to find it was supposed to be a pleasant 51 degrees—that’s warm weather when you are a runner! So, instead of putting on layers of long-sleeved shirts, I put on what I thought would be suitable for my run— a tank top, thin cotton shirt, and a little jacket. The minute the garage opened, and I was on the other side, I could feel the chilly air. Boy, I thought it would be warmer, I said to myself. However cold I felt, I refused to go back inside to change and just kept to my scheduled run.

Be still

While my feet hit the pavement, I ran up the hill and immediately noticed the flashing lights. The closer I got, I could see a truck was on top of the median facing me, and a tow truck was on the opposite side, blocking the departing traffic and trying to get adjusted in a position to tow the vehicle. 

As I ran down the hill, away from the vehicles, I tried not to look but found myself locking eyes with the distressed vehicle driver and the tow truck driver. I looked away and kept running, yet I noticed only one or two cars waiting for the tow truck to clear the path. When I got down the hill and began my trek back up, as I approached the spot of the truck and tow truck, I noticed that many backed-up cars were waiting and probably trying to get to work.

I wonder what happened? Several times I have seen folks lose control and crash in that median. I have seen people speed on that hill as if they were on a motor speedway. I wonder what was so urgent this particular morning for this man. I would not be honest if I said that I hadn’t done my share of speeding up and down that mountain. But when I see the flashing slow-down sign, I am jolted into realizing just how fast I am going, and I slow down to the posted 45 miles per hour sign.

To see this guy made me think about me and others who are so fast to get where we are going. Today’s society, especially in the western world, is all about getting it done and not wasting time. We say, “Time is money,” or “Don’t waste my time,” or “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!”  We have no time for those who waste it. And yet I think we are correct when we rush to get something done when maybe that’s the opposite of what God wants from us.

Suppose God wants us to stop, listen, and then move once we are sure that what we are rushing to accomplish is aligned with His will for our lives? Just what if we are running in a direction that is opposite from where He wants us to be?

Perhaps, the answer lies in Philippians 4:6-7, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Reflect Lately?

~ authorlasharnda ~ 1 Comment

I was out running one morning recently, and as my feet pounded the pavement in the early morningsunset hours, I noticed the sky was a beautiful red and blue color. I didn’t stop; I kept running, trying to get my workout done. However, I felt as though the red was getting redder and the blues bluer as I ran. I still would not stop (I needed to get done). At some point, though, I felt God had been trying to get my attention gently, but because I didn’t listen, it felt as though He yelled, “Stop and look!” So, I did. I stopped and looked at the sky with amazement. I then took out my iPhone and began taking pictures. I posted those pictures to social media, and apparently, more than 100 people felt the same about how beautiful they were. As I viewed those pictures, I was able to reflect on God’s goodness. What a wonderful life I have lived. I thank God every day for blessing my life as He has done, and I want to be and do all that God has called me to be and do.

Like many of you, the last year has caused me to reflect a lot. Not just because of the pandemic, but as you grow older, I think one tends to look at life and wonder if you left the earth today, would you have made a difference. I am not saying that we must make some vast world-changing impact, but I wonder who will miss me when I am not here anymore. I realize initially, people are sad that we are no longer around, but after a while, even they settle into their own lives, and those they have lost may slowly fade into the background. Anyway, as I reflect on my life, I quickly recognize that I have more years behind me than in front.

What about you? Have you reflected lately? Have you thought about how each day you make a ripple effect into the lives of others? I have. Recently a person told me that I made a significant difference in her life years ago. She said that although college was accessible to her, it was just not something she had thought of pursuing until she met me. Today, she holds advanced degrees. As such, I began to think about several people I had encouraged to go to school so that they would have opportunities that may have evaded them otherwise. They did, and those doors opened. They don’t have to give me any credit; that’s not what I am looking for at all. But I will say it makes me feel good that this one person didn’t wait until it was time for my eulogy to let me see that I made a difference.

Person sitting quietly on the edge of a dock watching the sunset

Today, think about how you can impact others in significant ways. As much as people can frustrate, disappoint, and anger us, God calls us to think of others. I know it is hard, but God will make sure to reward you for your acts of selflessness. Remember, we don’t need recognition here on earth; although it is nice, we need to do what God has called us to do and let Him handle the rest. I am confident in saying that I guarantee He will.

Born to Thrive!

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

Most days, I feel as though I can conquer the world, and then, there are days when I think the world is defeating me. That feeling doesn’t last too long, however. I was born to thrive! At least that’s what I tell myself. The feeling of not just surviving but thriving has been with me since I was very young.

born to thrive

I recognize to hear someone claim that they thrive sounds self-assured and assertive. But, as much as I’d like to think I can face anything and overcome any obstacle, there is always anxiety behind the face of that courage.

The truth is, the fiercest of us experience our share of anxiety. Whether it is dealing with the loss of a job, an end of a marriage or relationship, or a betrayal of any kind, life can get the best of us. When I face struggles, I generally turn to scripture to ease my stress and I pray for guidance as to my next steps. Being a person who tries to control my destiny, I get frustrated when I feel I am not in control. Being a woman of faith, I caution myself to stop trying to control everything. To leave it, only to find myself going back trying to handle the situation again. If you are a control freak and feel you are not in control, anxiety comes. If you are a laid-back and carefree person and deal with those who are not, you probably feel that situation bringing about pressure.

Just remember, for anything that seems to overwhelm us, there is an answer. The answer to me can always be found in scripture. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in all things with prayer and thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” This scripture puts things into their proper perspective. Stop worrying, focus on what is essential, and thrive mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

What do I thrive? I know it’s because I have the assurance through faith that God has my back. As Tauren Wells sings, “If I am on the mountain, He is there. When I am in the valley, He sees me there.“

intention

Anxiety is as much a part of life as breathing but thriving takes intention. Someone said, “An intention is more than a thought or a theory about how you want to live; it is the thought and determination to make that change.” That change starts with our heart, and our attitudes will follow. How can you thrive? Think free like a child. Find an exercise that you will learn to enjoy and do it. Take risks. Take walks. Laugh a lot. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Now, these are easier said than done, but that’s why I say intention is key to thriving.

Fan the Flames?

~ authorlasharnda ~ Leave a comment

Recently, I have thought seriously about just disconnecting. Some time ago, a person said to me that they could not keep a gratitude journal I had suggested because they did not see themselves writing the same things day after day in that journal. They were thankful, but they would get bored doing the same exercise each day. I remember thinking that I had done it for years and I could do it. But, I also felt that I would never stop doing it.

fan the flames

For years, I have gotten up in the early morning hours to read the Bible and pray. However, over the last year, I have noticed my early morning prayers getting shorter. I can remember saying to God to stir in me the passion for worship, His Word, and fellowship with others, just as I had when I was younger. I prayed that my prayer process did not become mechanical and mundane. Now, I feel that is exactly what it has become.

What do I do when I feel the very thing that has kept me is somehow losing its appeal? What happens when I don’t feel like reading, praying, or even interacting with others? Then it came to me. The reason I read, prayed, and took part in routine fellowship was for moments just like these. When I reflected on the “why” of my emotional state, I found that to be a good process. To ask myself questions that force me to look inward and evaluate my life is what many people go through. Those who have strong faith recognize what’s happening immediately. Do you know why? It’s because we have exercised specific disciplines throughout the years.

What do you do when you feel distant & disconnected from God or the people of God? How do you handle the feeling of ineptness, routine, boredom, or downright “I don’t feel like it anymore?” I will share what I have done. I have stepped back and asked the Holy Spirit to show me what to do. I have also asked the Holy Spirit to stir up a fire in me. I don’t believe that I would know to do that had I not read that in the Bible repeatedly over the years. In 2 Timothy 1:6-14, we are told the following: “That is why I would remind you to stir up (rekindle the embers of, fan the flame of, and keep burning) the [gracious] gift of God, [the inner fire] that is in you by means of the laying on of my hands.” This scripture speaks to me. Even more is what comes after in verse 7,  “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and love and calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 

These scriptures are reminders of a couple of things to me. First, I have to know without a doubt that regardless of what I am feeling, God is with me. He said He would not leave me or forsake me. As such, I have to trust that if I would pursue Him, I will find Him. Stirring up the fire to me means to press through despite the so-called boredom. It means to think of the things of God or the enemy will have me thinking, “why bother?” Also, I realize that I have a responsibility to fan the flames and trust the Holy Spirit to do the rest. Second, I have to be bold enough to say to myself or my distractions that there is power in the disciplines. I don’t have to feel an emotional high; instead, I have to trust God. If I go boldly to the Throne of Grace, He will be there waiting.

So, what do you do when you “feel” you have lost your fire? Fan the flame! We’re not as hot and burning as when we first received the Lord. But Romans 12:11 encourages us not to be “slothful in zeal, but be burning in spirit, serving the Lord.” So, remember, when you go through the season of slothfulness, God wants us on fire for Him. It may not be in your human spirit, but your born-again spirit will be willing.

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These scriptures are reminders of a couple of things to me. First, I have to know without a doubt that regardless of what I am feeling, God is with me. He said He would not leave me or forsake me. As such, I have to trust that if I would pursue Him, I will find Him. Stirring up the fire to me means to press through despite of the so-called boredom. It means to think of the things of God or the enemy will have me thinking “why bother?” Also, I realize that I have a responsibility to fan the flames and trust the Holy Spirit to do the rest. Second, I have to be bold enough to say to myself or to my distractions that there is power in the disciplines. I don’t have to feel an emotional high, rather, I have to trust God. If I go boldly to the Throne of Grace, He will be there waiting.

So, what do you do when you “feel” you have lost your fire? Fan the flame! We’re not as hot and burning as when we first received the Lord. But Romans 12:11 exhorts us not to be “slothful in zeal, but be burning in spirit, serving the Lord.” So, when you go through the season of slothfulness, remember, God wants us on fire for Him. It may not be in your human spirit, but your born again spirit, is willing

Reflect & Connect…

~ authorlasharnda ~ 1 Comment

There has never been a time in my life where I have witnessed so much despair. Isolation might bring out the very worst in some of us when it could help us be better and do better. What a perfect time to connect with ourselves and with God as we quietly reflect on our lives.
connectwithGodDuring these times of isolation, it is so easy to fall into a state of sadness, depression, and maybe even anger. However, we can also choose to look for the lesson in our current situation and try to redirect our thoughts. Think about it, isn’t this the perfect time to see how we can help someone who may be feeling alone, feel loved? Isn’t it an ideal time to take our loneliness and turn it into a tool that can help ourselves and others? One means of doing that is through social media. What an excellent way to reach out to laugh, enjoy the jokes, the comments, the memes, and some of the silliest things people are coming up with just to connect and make life a little more bearable.
I have always believed that there are two types of people; those who see opportunities in messes and those who see the inevitable disaster in them. The people who see the glass half-full and the ones who see it half-empty. I also believe we can choose which of these two we want to be.
Are we going through a difficult time right now? Of course, we are, but what part can we all play in making someone’s life easier? I believe that everything happens for a reason. God is not surprised by what is happening in this world. I look over the last month and see where the things I grew up being taught, came rushing to the forefront of my mind when I needed them.

I recently left a job I loved because I knew, in my heart, that whatever assignment God had for me there was finished. Was it scary? You bet. For a woman who plans everything, did I have a plan? Yes and no. Did I have a well-thought-out strategic plan? No. Did I have a faith-walk plan? Yes. I planned to seek God and to trust God for the next thing. You see, I had begun to feel alone, and I thought that I was losing a little more of myself each day. During the entire time, I felt these various ways, and I had to keep encouraging myself to trust God. I read scripture more desperately, trying to hear from God. I had friends saying to me, trust God. I heard myself staying to myself, I will trust God, but my feelings to move on got more anxious. One day, I said Lord, I am trusting You for the next thing. It was within days of me resigning, that the “next thing” just showed up. It showed up during a time of uncertainty. It showed up during a time when we were shut-in when I was quiet, reflective, and not distracted by other things. It showed up when God had my undivided attention!

theLordismyshepI am about to begin that next chapter. I am excited about what God is doing in my life. More than that, I am excited about what He will do in yours. I am not saying to be foolish. I am saying to take time to connect with God during these days of isolation. Reflect on His goodness so that you are not paralyzed with fear. Look back on where He has brought your from and what He has done in your past. Trust yourself too.
And always remember, “the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…”