What if people would really try to listen to one another? What if we would truly seek to understand another person’s point of view rather than always trying to push our own? What if we would speak less and listen more? What if we would forgive more? What if each person would live their own life to the fullest and try to enjoy each moment of each day? What if….?
At times recently, I have sat back and wondered why there is so much negativity in the world today? It’s not just on social media and it’s not just with a certain group, it’s all around. I have considered this a lot lately especially when I see things happening around me that seem to go awry without any real reason behind it going awry. It seems the smallest thing is blown into something big and it didn’t have to be that way if only each person would have simply listened to each other.
I have also thought about the things that make me feel good and behave in a positive manner and those things that make me shake my head and retreat. You see, if I didn’t retreat, I would get entangled in the same arguments I see others entangled in. I would be in the midst of conflict and confrontation which in no way would create a sense of peace. Just think about it for a minute; positive actions most times create positive reactions and negative actions cause, in so many cases, negative reactions.
When we don’t listen to each other, we have decided within ourselves to be passively combative. Combativeness creates friction, which can come in the form of angry words, nasty actions and ultimately un-forgiveness. Un-forgiveness kills us slowly. Un-forgiveness feeds negativity. The Bible warns against unforgiveness and tells Believers to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32). When I read all the scriptures that tell us to forgive and also to not gloat over our enemies, (see Proverbs 24:17), I wonder if we have forgotten that God has called us to a different standard. I am convinced that when we are so focused on others and proving them wrong, we lose sight of ourselves. I don’t think that’s loving and it sure isn’t positive.
When we are focused on living our lives to the fullest; we experience exhilaration and joy; all positive feelings. Judge Judy says that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason; to listen more than we speak. I agree. If we are to get over negativity, we need to change the “what if” to “what would” as in “What would Jesus do?” Don’t let that be just something to say, let it be a time of true reflection when you are faced with interpersonal communications and actions. Jesus can help you change those negative, destructive behaviors to positive attitudes and actions that will change the world. How do you start: Look at yourself, model a positive outlook, strengthen and share your faith, and pray always. If you want to make a change, I guarantee, He won’t let you down.
If you know me at all, you already know that I am a Born-again follower of Jesus. I love how that sounds. It sounds passionate about being a Believer!
I am of the royal priesthood and so are you! If you can see yourself as royalty, I know you will approach your goals very differently. On the same note, if you see yourself as mediocre, that’s how you will approach life. When I use the word, mediocre, it is hard to hear because none of us would ever come out and say that we are mediocre; yet we act like that’s what we think of ourselves. Mediocre means of only moderate quality; not very good. Whereas Royalmeans fine, excellent, magnificent, stately, appropriate or befitting of sovereignty. Maybe those words scare you, because they may seem to imply that you think you are better than others, or maybe they make you feel like you are being arrogant or prideful. I get it, but don’t let the word, royal,scare you.
After watching three specific incidents over the last several months, I decided it was time to write about healthy, personal boundaries. Certain situations started to really bother me, so I talked about what I was experiencing with close confidants and even a professional in the area of psychology. I thought I would share my observations and offer suggestions that may help you understand how important it is to set boundaries.
I get why we don’t say anything; why we let things go—we let things go because we think people will just figure it out somehow. We think they will know when they are being too pushy, too needy, or too dependent. They don’t see that the constant need for you to be the one to fill all of their needs is emotionally draining. So they go on doing what is natural them and in the process they are killing you. It’s hard setting healthy, personal boundaries because people think you are being “mean.” Setting boundaries do not make you “mean,” it helps you stay healthy mentally and emotionally.
I have been in highly competitive environments all of my adult life. I have been around people who are kind yet ambitious. People who have high confidence and never make others feel less than; and I have been around others who are highly educated and successful, but they don’t talk about what education they have nor boast about how successful they have been. These people are loud, quiet, jolly and reserved, but the one quality that impressed me the most was the emotional intelligence they demonstrated in how to genuinely and authentically connect. I call them selfless people.
I am one to sit quietly so that I can think and reflect. I generally consider what’s going on in my current life; I think about what I am doing in order to get where I want to go. One thing that I have always made my practice is to take account of those who I allow into my inner circle and how to manage those I don’t let in. You see some people think that every person they meet is supposed to be a deep and personal friend when that’s just not the case. It’s just not!
Jesus had an inner circle too. They were His disciples, yes but even within the inner circle of His disciples, there were some who were even closer, or rather, he allowed to see things others did not see. These disciples shared in some of Jesus’ joys and sorrows. Peter, James, and John were the only disciples allowed to accompany Jesus when he raised the daughter of Jairus from the dead (Mark 5:37). These same disciples were the only ones on the mountain when Jesus was transfigured in the presence of Moses and Elijah (Mark 9:2). Jesus even gave nicknames to these three. I didn’t say that they were His favorite, I am just pointing out that not all of His disciples experienced Him the same.
I ran in the rain this morning. Did I know that it was raining before I went out? Of course I did. I almost didn’t go because of it. I opened my garage door, looked to see if it was coming down really hard, stood there for a moment, closed the garage and went back into my house and sat in the living room waiting for the rain to subside. I sat there for a few minutes, maybe 5 or 10, hoping it would stop but it didn’t. I got up and went back to the garage, opened the door and looked at it again, but this time I decided to just go. So I ran.
You may not believe in God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit, but I do. One thing that is foundational in my faith, is the need to repent and ask for forgiveness. To realize that He is in charge and not me. When pride, ego, and self, or should I say, selfishness, gets ahead of my commitment to Him, I have to remember to step back and acknowledge that as sin too. Thinking of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I become small (humble) as I stand in His presence. The Word of God says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.” James 4:10. So I pray for a more humble spirit and a clean heart.
I am a high achiever. I am all about achieving one thing and moving on to the next. I get a rush out of being able to check another goal accomplished off my list. If you are the same, you already know that people like us want things done and they want them done now. We tend to think that the next thing is waiting to be conquered and we are the ones to conquer. People like us can be high strung and just can’t sit still. We are BIG Picture people continually developing a strategy for the next thing. Time is money, so don’t we don’t believe in wasting time!
When I mention the name, DMV, many of you have the same images come to mind as I do; inefficient, slow, uncaring, paper-pushers, unproductive and the rudest people you can meet! Maybe that’s why my husband had a problem when he had to deal with them on my behalf. He was at the DMV all day beginning at 745 that morning. He came home around 3pm. I came home after him, and when I walked in and said “Hello Darling” and got very little response, I should have guessed something was wrong. I went to the kitchen to make some food and yelled, “do you want something to eat?” “No,” he replied. I looked and realized I was talking, and he was not talking because he was on the phone. I sat down at the table and began to eat. When he finally got off the phone, he told me what happened at the DMV. He looked beat! Well, he didn’t get done what I needed. He had all my paperwork and handed it to me and said, “you need to ….” Well, ok, but I wasn’t happy. After I finished eating, I sat down quietly and began making call after call, from DMV in California to Jaguar USA to Jaguar in Dallas to DMV Headquarters in Sacramento to finally getting the right person that took care of my situation. Along the way, I heard myself praying and asking the Holy Spirit to keep me calm and patient. He did. I had finally achieved my goal without blowing up. But it wasn’t over. The next day at the local DMV would be the greatest challenge for the Holy Spirit and me.
How do words affect you? Are there words that immediately turn you off? They just rub you the wrong way? That’s how I feel about the word “businessman” being used in a meeting of any kind in the 21st century. I may be wrong, and I pray to not be so easily offended, but in a day and time like now, if you haven’t gotten it, you never will. Your words matter. They can be demeaning or empowering in the context of work. What’s worst is, I hear sexist words more in Christian settings than in others; why?
Recently, I was at a Christian conference focused on business leaders. The presenter was so refreshing. As he spoke, I listened carefully. What struck me about him was his sensitivity in making sure when he said the word businessmen, he also said businesswomen. He did this throughout his entire speech. Did he get my attention and my respect? You bet he did.
I believe that many of our problems can be averted if we would honestly seek to understand other people. I think many of today’s issues would go away if we weren’t so angry and ready to pounce on each other. I would like to believe that if people would stop talking so much, insisting on being heard, would stop and think before speaking, maybe, just maybe, they would hear what the other person is trying to communicate.
The truth is, no one has to change anything You don’t have to change your views to match mine; nor do you have to change your way of thinking. You don’t have to change your looks to look like the runway models; you don’t have to change so that you have thousands of friends to be okay and you don’t have to be anywhere near perfect either. You are who you are, made in God’s image. However, don’t forget that the person you disagree with is also made in the image of God. Neither may act like they are, but they are. Their behavior may suggest differently, but God still loves both of them. God loves the entire world.
Most days I am happy. I wake up thanking God for another day to be alive. I honestly don’t take my being here for granted. Over the last year, I have experienced close and personal losses and they made me consider my own mortality. There have been days that I sit back and say to myself, “God is still on the throne. Don’t lose heart.”
You see, even the best of us will encounter days that are frustrating and disappointing. We will encounter people who will count us out, not take us seriously, reject our dreams and goals and even tell us that we will never be something that we have always dreamed of becoming. That’s why we are hesitant to share our hopes and dreams with others; we are afraid of their judgment and rejection as this young lady was. As I said to her that day in my office, I will say the same to you. If you have dreams, go for them. It does not matter what other people think; it matters what you do. If you don’t go for it, you are saying that they are right about what they think of you. If you go for it and fail, you don’t have to be embarrassed, trust me, the next time you will do better. One thing is certain, if you don’t pursue what’s important to you, you can count on never getting it.
Dr. LaSharnda Beckwith 