If you are like me, it’s hard to be around insecure people. You know — the ones who always compare themselves to others. It is easy to spot a vulnerable person; they are the ones who continuously check you out. If you look away, they stare at you. If you look at them, they look elsewhere. Insecure people can tell you what someone wore to work today, yesterday and the day before. They can even tell you what you eat most days, or when you change the color of your purse or your shoes. Why? Because they take notice of anyone they believe they compete with.
Look, I know we all face insecurities in life. However, to live in a constant state of vulnerability is entirely different than feeling that way every once in a while. Why is it that some of us feel insecure some of the time while others feel insecure most of the time? It’s complicated. I do believe those who experience constant insecurity can track it back to something that happened in their lives along the way.
Are you insecure and don’t know why? Does it frustrate you to be that way? I bet it does. Insecurity is harmful, and if you don’t face it and deal with it, you will experience negative consequences. Those consequences can result in feeling you are a failure, feeling lonely, experiencing social anxiety, you can have negative beliefs about yourself, and the perfection you seek will never happen.
You may be insecure because you grew up with a negative parent, or maybe your spouse made you feel less than. Oh and don’t forget social media. Yes, social media can cause you to feel insecure. You see the beautiful lives others are living and you compare your experience with theirs. Please try to remember, in general, people don’t usually post their sad stories or hardships on social media. The person who seems to have it together could also be falling apart on the inside, but you don’t know that. The self-confident person will quickly tell you that they have days of not feeling confident, and the person who walks into a room and commands it will probably tell you that they had sweated bullets the night before as they prepared to enter some function.
I have offered many suggestions over the years on how to overcome insecurity; surround yourself with positive people, give yourself daily affirmations, interrupt the critical voice—vocalize your vulnerability and address it, and avoid people who make you feel insecure. However, I want to be clear about what I think of insecurity from a Biblical perspective. Insecurity comes from fear and fear is not from God. Therefore, if you feel like a failure, remember Romans 8:28, In Christ, every failure will work for an ultimate good. If you feel inadequate, God promises that His grace will be sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Finally, if you feel insignificant or unimportant, John 15:16 tells you that you were chosen by God to bear fruit that will last.
You don’t need to compare yourself to others; you are you, and that’s good enough because He chose you.
Over the years of working in government and then in higher education, as well as the years I have lived on this earth, I believe I know of one sure thing that keeps people from being successful, not only at work but in life. That’s their inability to get along with others. Like it or not, people skills are just as important, if not more important, than technical skills. In fact, you may not need any other skill when dealing with others than to skill of understanding how to get along with people. It amazes me when I see very smart people who find themselves isolated and wondering why. I have had such folks explain how they are feeling at work; they say no one includes them or they feel left out. When I move away all the peripheral, it becomes clear that the reasons they may feel the waythey do are because they haven’t learned the art of the dance.
You ever watch people and wonder why some are successful and others are not? Lately, that’s exactly what I have done. I am not talking about success only in terms of financial wealth or status. I am talking about how people deal with life, their jobs, families, relationships, or their personal goals.
How do you see the world? How is your their attitude towards whatever it is you are dealing with? Do you see the glass half-empty or half-full? Do you see your part in making sure your relationships work or do you rely on others to do all the heavy lifting? What kind of attitude do you have?
Have you asked God for a particular thing and He dropped it right into your lap? It just came out of nowhere? Well, that has happened to me on several occasions and there is no doubt that it was God. I love it when I know that it is God who has answered a prayer that no one knew about but me and Him.
I talk so much about how important it is to go for the gold and to never give up. I am especially good at encouraging others to be all that they can be. I tell you to take your turmoil and turn them into your testimonies of victory. I truly believe in all that I just said to you, but today I want to take a different approach to encouraging you. I want you to just Trust.
What if people would really try to listen to one another? What if we would truly seek to understand another person’s point of view rather than always trying to push our own? What if we would speak less and listen more? What if we would forgive more? What if each person would live their own life to the fullest and try to enjoy each moment of each day? What if….?
If you know me at all, you already know that I am a Born-again follower of Jesus. I love how that sounds. It sounds passionate about being a Believer!
I am of the royal priesthood and so are you! If you can see yourself as royalty, I know you will approach your goals very differently. On the same note, if you see yourself as mediocre, that’s how you will approach life. When I use the word, mediocre, it is hard to hear because none of us would ever come out and say that we are mediocre; yet we act like that’s what we think of ourselves. Mediocre means of only moderate quality; not very good. Whereas Royalmeans fine, excellent, magnificent, stately, appropriate or befitting of sovereignty. Maybe those words scare you, because they may seem to imply that you think you are better than others, or maybe they make you feel like you are being arrogant or prideful. I get it, but don’t let the word, royal,scare you.
After watching three specific incidents over the last several months, I decided it was time to write about healthy, personal boundaries. Certain situations started to really bother me, so I talked about what I was experiencing with close confidants and even a professional in the area of psychology. I thought I would share my observations and offer suggestions that may help you understand how important it is to set boundaries.
I get why we don’t say anything; why we let things go—we let things go because we think people will just figure it out somehow. We think they will know when they are being too pushy, too needy, or too dependent. They don’t see that the constant need for you to be the one to fill all of their needs is emotionally draining. So they go on doing what is natural them and in the process they are killing you. It’s hard setting healthy, personal boundaries because people think you are being “mean.” Setting boundaries do not make you “mean,” it helps you stay healthy mentally and emotionally.
I have been in highly competitive environments all of my adult life. I have been around people who are kind yet ambitious. People who have high confidence and never make others feel less than; and I have been around others who are highly educated and successful, but they don’t talk about what education they have nor boast about how successful they have been. These people are loud, quiet, jolly and reserved, but the one quality that impressed me the most was the emotional intelligence they demonstrated in how to genuinely and authentically connect. I call them selfless people.
Dr. LaSharnda Beckwith 